all I have.

I've moved on. That's what life is about.

A five letter work beginning with "F".

For the past two nights I've dreamt of some version of the mythological "true love". The first was a bit convoluted as it involved David Boreanaz as 'Angel' and our attempt to recover an Illyria-like entity from under a stack of soda cases. Regardless of the subject matter, I woke with a real sense of loss as if I could have stayed in the dream, I would have remained truly happy.

Last night's dream, however, was much more emotionally binding. It's been seven hours since I woke, past the usual amount of time it would take to forget I even had a dream at all and the feeling is with me still. It was a messy and turned-around forbidden love story starring myself and the younger brother of my (fictional dream) boyfriend. We didn't speak a word to each other regarding our feelings until the night we both showed up at the same event (which involved some sort of winter vanilla pudding skiing - as best as I can describe). The moment when we grabbed each other's hands, and covered them with our jacket sleeves to disguise them, rivals any of the painstakingly romantic moments I've ever had in my real life. Just thinking about it now makes my heart race.

I can't say I've lived my entire life as a cynic when it comes to love. I was a ridiculous teenager girl just like most. However, I can say I've lived nearly my entire adult life as one. I've had real, intense love in my life, but it was fleeting. Perhaps it is supposed to be. Perhaps "true love" is always forbidden and can never last. Perhaps that's why we all feel so lost all of the time and why so many of us settle for less than we think we deserve. I don't know for sure, but if my dreams these past two nights have told me anything, it's that I shouldn't be giving up just yet.

*Photo by Mark Nystrom.

A secret chord.

A year ago I was on the beach in Santa Monica, burying my toes in the sand and looking out at the expansive ocean. The sun would peek through and blind me and I was surrounded by an intense amount of warmth.

This morning it's 7 degrees below zero.

Oy.

Keepin' on.

Last night Kyle and I were discussing whether or not we will stay in our current apartment once our lease is up. We still have six months, but it does seem to be something worth thinking about. Come fall, I will be working, going to school and volunteering all in the same basic area. To there from our apartment is close to a 25 minute drive for me, one way. To a lot of people, I realize, that is nothing. However I live in a village with a population of 1200 and work in a city with a population of 60,000. There is no traffic jams or rush hours. It's just purely 25 minutes of driving, and I'm not sure if it'll be justified living 15 miles away from town any longer. Of course, I'll be making less money (I assume, if I have to work less while in school) and any apartment closer to the city will obviously be more expensive. But I am certainly not remaining in this place until 2012, so maybe I should just suck it up and go without. We'll see.

While a big part of me feels like I've really locked myself into something big for the next four years, another part of me wants to go crazy and experience as much as possible. I want to go so many places. Top destinations in my mind right now are: New York, Boston, Russia and Greece. I'd also like to visit D.C., but I don't know who would ever want to do that with me. I'm crossing my fingers for the NY/Boston trip around my birthday this year, but it's still very up in the air.

I love the midwest, but sometimes it makes me sleepy.