all I have.

I've moved on. That's what life is about.

A five letter work beginning with "F".

For the past two nights I've dreamt of some version of the mythological "true love". The first was a bit convoluted as it involved David Boreanaz as 'Angel' and our attempt to recover an Illyria-like entity from under a stack of soda cases. Regardless of the subject matter, I woke with a real sense of loss as if I could have stayed in the dream, I would have remained truly happy.

Last night's dream, however, was much more emotionally binding. It's been seven hours since I woke, past the usual amount of time it would take to forget I even had a dream at all and the feeling is with me still. It was a messy and turned-around forbidden love story starring myself and the younger brother of my (fictional dream) boyfriend. We didn't speak a word to each other regarding our feelings until the night we both showed up at the same event (which involved some sort of winter vanilla pudding skiing - as best as I can describe). The moment when we grabbed each other's hands, and covered them with our jacket sleeves to disguise them, rivals any of the painstakingly romantic moments I've ever had in my real life. Just thinking about it now makes my heart race.

I can't say I've lived my entire life as a cynic when it comes to love. I was a ridiculous teenager girl just like most. However, I can say I've lived nearly my entire adult life as one. I've had real, intense love in my life, but it was fleeting. Perhaps it is supposed to be. Perhaps "true love" is always forbidden and can never last. Perhaps that's why we all feel so lost all of the time and why so many of us settle for less than we think we deserve. I don't know for sure, but if my dreams these past two nights have told me anything, it's that I shouldn't be giving up just yet.

*Photo by Mark Nystrom.

A secret chord.

A year ago I was on the beach in Santa Monica, burying my toes in the sand and looking out at the expansive ocean. The sun would peek through and blind me and I was surrounded by an intense amount of warmth.

This morning it's 7 degrees below zero.

Oy.

Keepin' on.

Last night Kyle and I were discussing whether or not we will stay in our current apartment once our lease is up. We still have six months, but it does seem to be something worth thinking about. Come fall, I will be working, going to school and volunteering all in the same basic area. To there from our apartment is close to a 25 minute drive for me, one way. To a lot of people, I realize, that is nothing. However I live in a village with a population of 1200 and work in a city with a population of 60,000. There is no traffic jams or rush hours. It's just purely 25 minutes of driving, and I'm not sure if it'll be justified living 15 miles away from town any longer. Of course, I'll be making less money (I assume, if I have to work less while in school) and any apartment closer to the city will obviously be more expensive. But I am certainly not remaining in this place until 2012, so maybe I should just suck it up and go without. We'll see.

While a big part of me feels like I've really locked myself into something big for the next four years, another part of me wants to go crazy and experience as much as possible. I want to go so many places. Top destinations in my mind right now are: New York, Boston, Russia and Greece. I'd also like to visit D.C., but I don't know who would ever want to do that with me. I'm crossing my fingers for the NY/Boston trip around my birthday this year, but it's still very up in the air.

I love the midwest, but sometimes it makes me sleepy.

Accepted.

Thus far, February has been a whirlwind. I worry that I'll begin to struggle to keep up, but honestly this is what I need to get used to. Come fall, it will be more like a tropical storm.

I was accepted to the university that I applied to. Many people have asked me if I even had any doubt, and the truth is that, yes, I did. It's a harrowing experience and I still feel fear with upcoming placement tests and everything else. Quite simply, I don't believe I am smart enough. That's why I want to go to school finally, because I want that to change. I want to be able to speak intelligently about more than the intricacies of Gilmore Girls and how to make stuffed mushrooms.

I have about two weeks to apply for financial aid. I have between two weeks and two months to apply for grants and scholarships. I have two months before placement testing in math and english (oh I fear the math will decimate me). I have four months before Nontraditional Student orientation. I have six months before I get registered and begin classes.

That is simply not enough time.

I just wanna see some palm trees.

It gets hard
The memory's faded
Who gets what they say
It's likely they're just jealous and jaded

Have I ever changed in a year. I'm not finished changing, but the difference is pretty incredible. The difference is as big as the difference between the west coast and the east coast. My soul took a trip from Los Angeles to Boston. Oh my, oh my.

When I start to give it any thought at all, I have a very difficult time reconciling all the different "me"s that have existed. They are all so different, how can they possibly have been housed within the same body and same mind?

There was the 12-year-old me, hell-bent on marrying Joey McIntyre and wearing bright yellow jeans.

There was the 16-year-old me, with purple hair and oversized tees, never giving a thought to anything but the present moment.

There was the 21-year-old me, already resigned to old age and monotony.

There was the 24-year-old me, convinced music was the only thing worth living for.

And there is me, now. I have successfully incorporated all of these people into my being, and given them all a semi-defined path with something to look forward to indefinitely.

You were the only person that knew and understood all of these people. At least you claimed to. At least I felt like you did. Perhaps we were fooling ourselves all along. Perhaps we created a bond in our minds simply because we needed one in our hearts. I've been so mixed up and turned around in the last 12 months that I honestly can't tell anymore. Whether it was real or imagined, it is a feeling I well and truly miss.

I had a dream last night that we shed ourselves of our pretense and negativity and let us just be us again. It was blissful. I'll never be as articulate or unrestrained as you, regardless of how much I learned from you. This is the best I can do.

Wheelin' through an endless fog.

I spent my entire life having absolutely no drive and no goals. There were things that I thought I might like, but nothing ever stuck with me long enough to actually do anything about it. I very nearly set myself on a permanent track to mediocrity and unimportance. A life based around just skimming by. As long as I could pay the bills and buy a few CDs now and again, that's all I ever figured I'd need and it didn't much matter what I was actually doing with my life.

I think I knew things needed to change before I even knew it. When I turned 25, I started feeling unsettled and restless. Nothing I was doing seemed worthwhile and I started viewing everything as an opportunity for something else; something new. I made a few hasty decisions just in the spirit of change and unfortunately they led me down some really bad paths. I can't say this new path isn't rocky, but this time I truly feel like this is the journey I'm meant to take.

It was very much like the moment in The Neverending Story when Bastian realizes the story had actually been taking place and he had been a part of it from the beginning. I didn't believe it at first, convinced my gut feelings were just more uncertainty. After a few weeks of mulling it over and thinking about career paths and possibilities, I finally gave in to it. "History" I wrote in my college application statement, "had been with me all along."

I don't know exactly where this is all going to lead, and I haven't even really begun as yet. All I know is that it's time for me to hop on my luck dragon and see where he flies.